


even the depths of night cannot blind me (when you guide me)

by acemartinblackwood (semnai)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, post 159
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26150371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/semnai/pseuds/acemartinblackwood
Summary: Stepping from the hush of the Lonely to the chaos of London triggers a panic attack in Martin. Jon helps him through it.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 15
Kudos: 150





	even the depths of night cannot blind me (when you guide me)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "Overwhelmed" for the Magnus Writers' H/C week. 
> 
> Title is from the song 'creature' by Half Alive (which is actually a GREAT Jon song)
> 
> Ty Dath for the guidance and letting me talk through with you about the title, summary, and ending. <3

The path out of the Lonely was not a journey of gradual change from hollow wasteland to mid-day London rush hour, but as abrupt as accidentally pressing play on your phone with the volume turned all the way up.

The Lonely had been like an echo of a dream to Martin, timeless and ephemeral, during which he had known only the softly crashing waves of static, the gentle hum of vacuity, and the choking silence of feeling abandoned and uncared for. 

Being led out of  _ that  _ into the cacophony of London traffic and a seemingly endless number of people pressing in on him on all sides felt dizzying in the worst possible way. Alarm,  _ panic _ , dug its claws into his chest, crawling its way up his throat.  _ This was it _ , Martin found himself thinking,  _ this is what will do me in _ . He was never meant to have this, a life with Jon, a life outside of the Lonely.

Martin noticed, vaguely as if he was noting the time on a wristwatch, his breathing had sped up, breaths in and out in short bursts. Lightheaded, with little thought as to  _ why  _ he was even doing it, he squeezed Jon's hand. Once, twice, maybe not at all.

Faintly, he heard his name, and he shook his head quickly, too quickly, and swayed.

Without warning, he felt warm, steady pressure on either side of his shoulders and looked up to see Jon. Martin, for just a moment, was entranced by Jon (the way the warm sunlight made his eyelashes almost glow, brought out a gorgeous amber color in his eyes,  _ Jon _ ) and almost forgot how the world seemed to be collapsing in on him, before a taxi horn jolted him back. 

"Martin, Martin, it's okay, I--" Jon was speaking to him, muttering a litany of reassurances and comfort, but the words slipped from him like they were of another language. 

He shook his head again, with a feeling of dread that whatever was happening, this was his fault, it was always his fault. Someone who wasn't Jon brushed up against him, and he startled away, closer into Jon. 

He heard Jon mutter something angrily, before Jon's warm hands began to tug at him, lead him. His feet dragged against the ground as he followed, but he didn't bump into anyone or anything again, and nothing brushed against him.

Jon was still saying something, over and over, like a mantra. Wherever they were now, wherever Jon had led him, the harsh sounds of people going about their lives was slightly muted, and the only things he felt were Jon's warm hands gentle against his face and a rough wall digging against this back. Gradually, he began to understand what Jon was telling him. 

"It's okay, Martin, it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. I'm here, I'm not leaving you. We're together now, it's going to be okay, I promise."

Jon's hands cradled his face as he gazed at Martin, his own face pinched with worry. Martin wanted to reach out to touch Jon's face, confirm that Jon really was here, that both of them really did make it out of that forsaken place, together. As he reached forward, he noticed his whole arm trembled. 

"Deep, slow breath, Martin, can you do that for me, please? We--we can do it together." Abstractly, he noticed the way Jon said 'Martin' reminded him how he heard other couples call each other "dear" or "darling". Martin took one deep, slow shuddering breath, and another. They sat there, in whatever alcove or alley Jon had pulled him to, simply breathing together as Martin continued to stitch the pieces back together that had threatened to shatter.

Martin finally registered how concerned Jon looked; the full force of Jon's attention was on him and Martin staggered slightly under its weight. "Are you back with me, Martin?" Jon asked softly, running his fingers feather-light down the side of Martin's face, and then through his hair. Martin couldn't help but lean into Jon's hand, the gentle scrape of Jon's fingers against his scalp. Martin sighed.

"I'm… not sure to be honest," Martin said after a moment, finding himself able to form words again finally. "Maybe? Hopefully?" He gave a short, humorless laugh. "Sorry, I don't know what--"

"Martin.  _ Please  _ don't apologize." Jon's hand slid down to the back of Martin's neck, a firm, steadying weight. He sighed; Martin could sense his exhaustion, and was unable to stop himself from wondering when was the last time Jon had ate or slept. "Let me know when you feel up to walking again. We can try to take some back streets to stay out of the crowds, as much as that's possible in London… and go to your place maybe? Somewhere safe." Jon's face darkened slightly, and Martin could only guess what he was thinking.

Martin frowned past the beginnings of a headache, especially as a siren had started up off in the distance. "Just… give me a minute." He looked down at his hands, which were still shaking slightly. He was pretty sure the only reason he was still standing was that Jon had backed him up against the brick wall, using his own body like a shield from the rest of the world.   
  
"Of course," Jon said quietly. "Take all the time you need. I'll be here. I'll--I'll always be here."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! <3


End file.
